In this installment of “Ali & Brian’s Honeymoon in Kenya,” we head to the coast for a little laziness after all that sitting around a jeep every day! Here’s a recap from our first safari adventure in Samburu, and here are the tales from our second safari in Masai Mara.
OCTOBER 8
Fun story about our flight to the coast…
So we board our Mombasa Air 11-seater and we cruise down the runway and we take off and we start to fly…and then we started wobbling and shifting and took a sharp dive to the left, then we kind of came crashing back down. I maybe shouldn’t say crash because everyone was fine and we didn’t hit anything, but it was not ideal.
It was slightly terrifying, and I will file this experience under “secrets I keep from my mom.” Anyway, the pilot said it was because of “a wind shear” and it’s a tiny plane and whatever. All I know is that we then had to attempt takeoff a second time and all did not feel calm on board!
The flight proceeded to be mostly miserable because it was so bumpy and now we are at a stop to refuel in Nairobi (which means we’ll have to then do another takeoff!) and I am soaked in my own sweat and am trying not to vomit. I am such a plane crash survivor!
The flight from Nairobi to the coast was less eventful. I read 139 pages of Mindy Kaling’s new book, which is cute if not exactly the same as her first book.
We landed about an hour and a half later than scheduled and then survived the sketchy drive to Saruni Ocean. Our driver simply did not care which side of the road he was supposed to be on. YOLO!
Saruni Ocean is gorgeous. They had a heart-shaped chocolate cake for us and champagne and flower petals on the bed. There was even a flower delicately placed in the toilet! This place is classy as F… Like me!
We settled in, ate the whole cake, and then walked down to the restaurant for dinner. Saruni Ocean boasts the largest pool in East Africa — it’s an infinity pool overlooking the Indian Ocean. I will live in it tomorrow.
OCTOBER 9
Woke up in a giant bed in a beach villa as the sun came up over the Indian Ocean. Hello honeymoon!
We started the day by lounging for a while (I finished my book!) and then went for a walk on the beach. I put my feet in the Indian Ocean! It’s warm!
OMG breakfast. I tried to be “healthy” by ordering the fruit plate and muesli with yogurt (both amazing), and then proceeded to eat four hot pan au chocolats and chocolate muffins from the best bread basket of my life. YOLO again!
Then it was out to the pool! We went swimming and then we went in the ocean. Mostly because I had to pee.
We ate lunch on the beach and as usual stuffed ourselves silly. I have already reached out to the airline to inquire about getting an expandable seat belt for the flight home.
Then I slept all afternoon. I read a bit from my book (Amy Odell’s Tales From The Back Row) and then PTFO for 2+ hours. But then I woke up because it was time to eat again!
Brian and I had some Prosecco in the room and then I had two mojitos at the restaurant. We met Tanya, the yoga teacher, who has trained with Baron Baptiste and knows Bethany! What?! She came to Lyons Den last year when she was visiting NYC but the studio was closed she says. Lies! It’s never closed! But maybe it was that day. I don’t know.
Anyway, we talked yoga for like an hour and she set up a class tomorrow morning for Brian and me with an instructor from Africa Yoga Project. I am excited except that I haven’t done any form of exercise in two weeks so it will be torturous I am sure.
OCTOBER 10
Despite my exhaustion from all that relaxing yesterday, I did not sleep well. The malaria pill-induced “lucid dreams” continue, and last night I dreamed I gave birth to a test tube with a fragile baby inside it. And I was attacked by itchy bugs in my sleep. I am essentially polka dotted at this point.
But in spite of that, we were up and off to yoga! Brian agreed to take his second-ever class, and I was so excited to take a Baptiste class here in Africa! Our instructor, Maria, was like, “Where do you practice?” And I was like, “Lyons Den,” and she was like, “Oh! Terri Bahr!” And I went 50 shades of crazy. How cool is that?!?! It’s so cool.
Class was just me and Brian. Maria was great and very encouraging and I was so happy to be doing the Journey Into Power sequence. We got sweaty and I loved doing yoga with Brian. He gets so cocky though, my god. He flipped his dog into Wheel and the instructor gave him all this praise blah blah and afterward he looked at me dead serious and goes, “My drishti was on point, son.” Oh. OK. Son.
We took very necessary post-flow showers and then yay breakfast! Yay fruit and that delicious muesli and the best pastry basket!!!
We spent some time burning by the pool (despite being in the shade and wearing SPF 50), ate gnocchi and four other courses for lunch (chocolate brownie!!!), went in the ocean (it’s warmer than the air, which is very hot), and then came back to the room to read for a while.
Then I got a massage, which was excellent except for the part where she massaged my stomach. That was odd.
Dinner tonight was on the beach with white lights and all private and special.
And it was African night! We got to eat some authentic African cuisine. “It’s exactly what they make at home for their wives and kids, but more gourmet, and with more cleanliness.” That’s literally how the host explained it to us.
I asked the names of everything and repeated them back to our server, my man David, to make sure I was saying them correctly. In most cases he just smiled at me as if to say, “Nice try, please stop insulting my culture and embarrassing yourself,” but I think he appreciated my efforts.
OCTOBER 11
Another itchy morning. Wahhhhh why me? And how does Brian have zero bites? It’s unfair. Being a female is impossible.
Breakfast was another fruit/muesli/five pastry success, and we spent the entire day reading and sleeping (and scratching) in the shade. Then Brian got a massage and I got a private yoga class! Well, semi-private. There was a massive lizard on the wall tormenting me the whole time. NamaSTAY AWAY.
For dinner, since we are the only guests here, we did a wine tasting with Luca, one of the managers, who is also a sommelier. Then we dined by candlelight at a table on the roof, and the chef whipped up a grilled seafood platter extravaganza.
OCTOBER 12
Our last full day at Saruni Ocean NOOOOO!!! Woke up maybe slightly less itchy? But still a little bit itchy.
Started our day with yoga! We ended the class with some fun partner moves, which is good for marriage. I have been married for two weeks now, so I know how it works. If you haven’t done a stacked plank on top of your spouse, your marriage will fail.
Then we showered and proceeded to do the usual Breakfast Binge routine to which we have become accustomed. Brian keeps doing these really dramatic grunts and sighs, so I know he liked the yoga, too.
Since we had had such an exhausting morning, we went back to the room and napped until 1 PM.
I read my fourth and final book and then as usual ate way too much at our (tear!) final dinner. Going to bed feeling gross and full yet again. Honeymoons are for being sexy!
OCTOBER 13
Today we have to leave. [crying face emoji] We will fly to Nairobi and Brian says he has “something planned” for us there. If we are going to see Giraffe Manor, I will straight up shit myself (since I am no longer constipated, as you know). I am wearing my giraffe tank top just in case.
We had our last perfect breakfast and Giulia, one of the managers, told us there was a python near us while we had dinner last night! The cooks saw him and he was 3.5 meters long. Thank god they didn’t tell us until we were leaving OMG.
We said our sad goodbyes and I am still itchy and polka dotted.
One thing I am sure I will always remember about this trip is the way everyone smiled and waved. Kenyans are some of the friendliest, kindest people I have ever met. Everyone we passed on the road, everyone we saw, they all waved and smiled. Talk about “I don’t think we’re in New York City anymore.”